It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
