Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
