oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
