He uses pillows to masturbate.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
