I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
