meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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