I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
