her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
