I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
