i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
