i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
