Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
