I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
