i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
