Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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