Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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