I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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