I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
