I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
