Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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