Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
