How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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