im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
