Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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