I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
