i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
