even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
