I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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