Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
