my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
