Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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