I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
