so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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