It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
