sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
