a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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