i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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