woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why did my mother make you get naked?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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