His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
