I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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