We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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