Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
