Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm getting married
To pizza
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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