Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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