I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I forget how to act sober
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