eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
