youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
