Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i believe in u and ur pee
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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