If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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