i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
