Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
