Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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