Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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