he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
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I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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