somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
