I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
