My hand turned me down
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
