Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
